"Sometimes there's nothing about me
That I wouldn't change in a second"
He said, "In those moments,
I don't see anything about me worth loving.
"But then I remember
My twelve-and-a-half inch cock,
And everything is right again."
His face was beaming
"Worlds will collide,
Winds and water will ravage the Earth
Your soulmate will come and go
But my twelve-and-a-half inch cock stays with me.
"A blind man may build a boat,
Given enough time and resources.
But his ark will never get him laid like this;
My twelve-and-a-half inch cock is the only miracle I need.
Trade their most beloved possessions for food.
But my twelve-and-a-half inch cock sustains me;
I barter only with the bulge in my pants.
"Carlos Santana can strum his guitar for hours.
But long after the strings are broken,
The neck and body are rotted through,
My twelve-and-a-half inch cock will keep playing.
"(And it always stays in tune.)"
With that, I left the group near the snack table.
As I vomitted into a plant outside, I realized
I had made a mistake coming to the reunion.
And that I should never again speak to Uncle Paul.